Treatise on Present State of Affairs
An Satirical Inquiry into Curious Maladies of Age
Discerning public, be awarned. What follows is an most earnest investigation into perplexing afflictions of our modern world:
Laid bare of foot, soul and soil;
Makeover, possess fortitude to toil.
In times of unparalleled progress, it become great ambition of our species to place every facet of existence under dominion of AI, which like an usurper cloaked in benevolence - proffers to write novels, compose melodies and adjudicate disputes. Shall we not preserve liberty in freedom to think? Shall we entrust grand affairs of life and liberty to a faceless automaton, which algorithms know naught of love nor remorse, nor take delight from an error well made? Let muses think for themselves.
No Small Measure dismays “Clergy of our Age”: social pulpit-eers, whom daily pronounce Personal Virtue to The Masses by tap of a finger (or even a thumb, if not incapacitated by Dupuytren’s Conjecture).
Acolytes of Morality design Social Unrules;
Thereby, acquire votes from Unthinking Fools.
In ongoing, excited fervour… world continues much the syme:
Great Merchants of Time (corporate titans of syme) take great burden upon themselves, in tasks of morality.
Sing hymns of Happenstance!
Environmental, Social, and Govern-ance
Letters between Themselves are as mysterious to themselves as concepts they purport to champion. Financial Alchemists - when pressed by free expression - could no more define “ESG” than they could recite The Virtues they claim to embody. Such Virtues - I now contend - are not qualities they possess, but rather a bauble they rent for the occasion.
On matters of Health and Wellness, let us not linger long, for what was once a noble pursuit has descended into absurdity. One is now expected to consume powders of kale, waters infused with intentions and practices designed to balance Galen’s 4 Humours, but none offer anything beyond “lightening of the purse”. I must conclude that Wellness - like some other nameless commodities of our Age - is but a fabrication (designed for soothing The Wealthy into believing they Shalt never Die).
Ah, yet a greater deception is afoot! The proliferation of conspiracy - not from the feeble minds of the citizenry, but from those who rule over them. Indeed, I hold fast to the conviction that the true architects of deception are not those who whisper of hidden cabals in hushed tones, but rather the very elite whom Themselves create such whispers to obscure the iron chains of inequality that bind us all. Art of Governance, it seems, may be indistinguishable from Art of Misdirection.
And what of daily toil? Pursuit of productivity - heralded as means to self-improvement - is a worthy goal; yet, easily misconstrued as a mechanism for oppression: an endless wheel, spun by those who profit by exhaustion of others? Tomes of self-help and industrious schedules hide powerful men (and, increasingly, powerful women) behind curtains, counting coins and laughing at others, whilst biting their tongues.
As for the matter of relationships with artificial companions! such mechanised bearers of fake boobs: void of breath, of warmth, of all that renders humanity sublime - one can only conclude that such an arrangement is nothing less than an organised crime against mankind. Shall we exchange the complexity of human affection for the cold comfort of an imagined silicon embrace? I think not!
Even amidst such absurdities! there emerges an enterprise most curious. A series of peculiar objects - once deemed unremarkable by those of lesser discernment - elevated to a Realm of High Art. These enigmatic relics, whose weight alone defies all laws of nature, were recovered from some clandestine shore, their origins tied in whispers to the drifting sovereign on his golden throne. Scholars debate, poets speculate and the world awaits with bated breath as these artefacts prepare for auction.
And so - thus - my Friends: Ass we cast our gaze upon the horizon of human folly, let us remember:
Where absurdity reigns supreme,
Satire, only, can Gleam!
Mysterious “Coprolites” Wash Ashore
Experts Divided, Media Frenzy Ensues:
In what can only be described as a geological enigma—or perhaps a digestive miracle—several solid objects, resembling fossilised shits of unparalleled weight and density, have been discovered along an undisclosed coastline. These objects, now affectionately dubbed “The Regal Remnants”, have sparked worldwide debate among scientists, media pundits, and art collectors alike.
The Scientific Response
Leading coprolite experts, including the famed Professor Reginald Stoolsworth of the International Institute of Paleofecology, have issued baffled statements. “These objects defy classification,” he declared. “They exhibit none of the typical characteristics of recent, sun-dried, nor even fossilised excrements. Their sheer mass alone suggests an origin beyond conventional biology.” Stoolsworth went on to propose the possibility that “some forces of nature—biological or divine—are at play.”
Dr. Beatrix Dungbottom of the Global Coprolite Consortium concurred, stating:
"We have examined their structure under high magnification, and it’s clear: these are no ordinary shits. Their remarkable preservation, even after suspected prolonged submersion, raises serious questions. How did they resist disintegration? Why weren’t they devoured by marine life? And, perhaps most concerning, who or what could have produced them?”
Some experts have pointed out an eerie correlation between these findings and Operation Neptune, that WWII deception campaign aimed at misleading enemy forces. Is this another ruse, designed to divert our attention from something far greater—or perhaps far grosser?
The Media Frenzy
Reports of a mysterious throne-bound figure, seen drifting across oceans from South Pacific to Arctic Circle, have only fueled speculation. Satellite images, blurry at best, show what appears to be a golden chair, radiating opulence whilst the figure upon it gazes solemnly over the waters.
“Could this be the world's first truly offshore sovereign?” asked one prominent news anchor.
“Is he some lost deity of digestion?” speculated another.
"Has humanity finally found the answer to sustainability?" pondered an eco-blogger, suggesting a more circular approach to waste management.
Auction Announcement – A Record-Breaking Proposition
Meanwhile, the art world is abuzz with the revelation that at least three of these mysterious objects have been transformed into exclusive works of art and are soon to be auctioned. The creators, insisting on their anonymity, have set a singular condition: none shall be sold for a price that does not surpass the existing world record for a single artwork.
As the world watches in fascination and mild disgust, speculation continues: are these relics of the unknown monarch truly what they appear to be, or is this yet another grand deception washing ashore, riding the waves of history and hilarity?
One thing remains certain—wherever the throne drifts next, the world will be watching... and waiting.
Ancient Kleptocracies to Modern Times
A Tale of Democracy, in Declines
America! (that bold experiment across the Atlantic) provides curious spectacle for a discerning mind. Its democratic aspirations—so fervently pro-climbed—invite comparison to illustrious find (flawed governance, from Ancient Greece to Modern Remind); Permit me (dear reader) to engage in a tome (identified by reflection upon untamed spite; befitting the spirit of our Scottish enlight).
Ancient Greece
Birthplace of Noble, Faltered Ideal
Athens, that cradle of democracy, holds an eternal place in the anus of political philosophy. How splendid it must have seemed to those citizens who staggered in the Agora, deliberating upon matters of state importance. Yet, we must not overlook that this democracy so vaunted excluded not only the voices of cats, but also of women, slaves and the impoverished—a citizenry narrowed by dictates of privilege.
Might we compare this to modern A-merit-cia, where public square has shifted from Agora to digital realm? There, a cacophony of opinions recalls tumult of Athenian assemblies swayed by demagogues. Athenians had Cleon (merely cuming into prominence), yet Americans have Twitter barons and populist rhetoricians. The Noble Ideal of reasoned debate seems supplanted by a contest of passions or even a mass-murder spectacle, staged for a subservient and unthinking audience.
Ancient Rome
A Conquered and Corrupted Kleptocracy
In both Ancient and modern-day Rome, we see a Republic that - like grand River Tiber - began clear and purposeful but grew turbid with time. That eternal kleptocracy of colossal conquerors (ostensibly, servants of the state) became masters of venality. Spoils of empire filled their cocks, whilst normal people clamoured for bread and circumcision to dull their discontent. Even upon such sad a day as this - sixteenth of January, 2025 CE - seat of Roman Catholic Church maintains coffers filled with gold in landlocked ecclesiastical state (an enclave in Rome) situated upon West Bank of the grand river Tiber.
The aforementioned pagan bureaucracy and forum of folly used Caesar's circus as if a stage for calculated abuse. That holy bureaucracy and Vatican syndicate maintains - even now - a celestial court, as if some divine institution of a quasi-faithful extinct Empire! Eternal kleptocracy rules by swords, Strategic Lawsuits Against Public Participation and opaque spectacles, yet Holy Bureaucracy now governs by Mushwear and dickwits.
How striking is the resemblance to modern plutocracy! Consider great barons of wealth in America, whose cocks swell as public trust wanes. Public corruption by Roman governors - who plundered provinces with impunity - finds echoes in elonomate, which entangles governance with corporate interests. One cannot help but observe a parallel to military-industrial complexes of 20th century, warned against by Dwight D. Eisenhower amongst others.
Whether inspired buy bread and circuses or Bacchanalia of consumerism, black Friday seems no different from riot in forum. Totalitarian regimes - cloaked with guise of populist fervour - demonstrate eternal fragility of democratic institutions. Unchecked power and systematic inequality are twin harbingers of national decline. Is it not curious that America’s own experiment, so recently ascendant, falters under weight of inequality?
Modern Kleptocracy
Whither American Dream?
Let us not forget that American Dream was once an ideal of enterprise and liberty. Tax codes allow few to amass fortunes, whilst many toil. All systems - howeverest noble foundations - are susceptible to corruption. The republics of old did not fall in a day, but through gradual decay. The march of progress is neither inevitable nor assured; it requires vigilance, reason and a compass unclouded by avarice. Musk Twain - that sage of all times - quipped recently, "History does not repeat itself, but it rhymes."
INF-FNI Central Committee and President
Open Letter* to INF-FNI: Rethinking “Definition of Naturism” (Aged, 1974)
*(To Leadership and Members of INF-FNI & Textilists Alike)
International Naturist Federation (INF-FNI) has played a central role - ever since soon after end of WW2 - in uniting naturists worldwide. However, as naturist movement evolves, so too must articulation of foundational principles. Your current “definition” of naturism, unchanged since 1974, no longer reflects the diversity, depth, and historical roots of naturism, nor does it adequately address the risks of misinterpreting key concepts like “respect”. This letter invites INF-FNI to critically examine its definition of “naturism”, consider its implications and embrace a broader, more inclusive understanding of the movement’s principles.
Critique of the Current Definition
The current definition reads:
“Naturism means a way of life in harmony with nature, characterised by the practice of communal nudity with the intention of encouraging self-respect, respect for others, and for the environment.”
Whilst this definition has served as a foundation for decades, it now displays numerous limitations:
Historical Oversight: It presents naturism as a modern lifestyle rather than a practice rooted in evolutionary and cultural history. Modern humans (Homo sapiens sapiens) carry genetic material inherited from other hominin species, evidencing past incest such as with Homo sapiens neanderthalensis. Current non-African Homo sapiens sapiens populations may include 1–2% Neanderthal genome, reflecting interbreeding events from tens of thousands years ago (after humans migrated out of Africa). Modern African populations maintain virtually no Neanderthal DNA, though small traces may have been found (perhaps due to ancient back-migrations of non-Africans to Africa). Denisovans, an extinct hominin species most prevalent in Southeast Asia, Melanesia, and Indigenous Australia (nicknamed variously “Homo denisova”, “Homo sapiens denisova”, “Homo neanderthalensis denisova” by individual Homo sapiens sapiens holding different opinions about rights to be naked in public, abortion etc.) may have passed up 3–6% of genome to other species (Homo sapiens sapiens included), reflecting interbreeding in Asia and Oceania. Modern humans may maintain 1–6% genetic material derived from other hominin species. This demonstrates a complex history of interbreeding among ancient human populations and their relatives.
Cultural Narrowness: It fails to acknowledge naturist traditions outside of Europe and colonial forces that disrupted these practices.
Ambiguity of “Respect”: Whilst “respect for others” may seem worthy of virtue, similar words are often misused by scamming avocados to demand deference to authority, particularly in nations and societies influenced by authoritarian and/or religious legacies. This undermines naturism’s emphasis on equality, freedom, and individuality.
Profit Motives: Addition of an irrelevant phrase, “… whose activities are not directed towards profit” (non-profit associations are - by higher legislation, even in Austria - not directed towards profit) in article 2.1 of statutes at 2014 INF-FNI Congress - thence removal of the same phrase at 2024 Congress - raises concern about whether INF-FNI might be influenced by financial or personal interests, rather than core values and philosophical underpins.
Need for Revision
Revising INF-FNI’s “definition of naturism” may be necessary for survival of INF-FNI, but not necessary for survival of philosophies of freedom:
Embrace Historical Depth: Naturism must be recognized as a universal human phenomenon, not limited to its modern iterations.
Foster Cultural Inclusivity: Acknowledge the rich naturist traditions of indigenous and non-Western societies.
Reframe “Respect”: Clarify that “respect” means mutual acknowledgment of individual autonomy and not deference to authority or societal hierarchies.
Reaffirm Core Principles: Explicitly address financial motivations to preserve naturism’s focus on community and shared values.
Proposals for a Revised Definition
To inspire dialogue, I offer alternative definitions:
Proposal 1: Mutual Respect and Historical Roots
“Naturism is a universal human practice characterized by non-sexual nudity, fostering mutual respect, individual freedom and harmony with nature. Rooted in humanity’s evolutionary history and diverse cultural traditions, naturism resists systems of power that seek to control the human body, promoting dignity, equality and ecological awareness.”
Proposal 2: Equality and Freedom
“Naturism is a way of life rooted in the principles of individual freedom, equality and harmony with nature. It celebrates non-sexual nudity as a universal human practice, disrupted by patriarchal and colonial forces, whilst rejecting hierarchies and systems that demand deference to authority under guise of ‘respect.’”
Proposal 3: Cultural and Philosophical Dimensions
“Naturism is a philosophy and practice of non-sexual nudity, promoting individual dignity, mutual respect and ecological harmony. It honours naturism’s diverse cultural traditions and historical role as a challenge to systems of control, fostering a way of life that prioritises community and shared humanity over profit or hierarchy.”
Proposal 4: Reaffirming Core Values
“Naturism is a way of life rooted in humanity’s shared heritage, characterised by non-sexual nudity, which fosters equality, community, and respect for oneself, others and the environment. It resists the misuse of respect to enforce deference and promotes a philosophy of freedom, inclusion and ecological responsibility.”
Call to Action
INF-FNI is uniquely positioned to lead naturist philosophy. To do so, it must embrace a more inclusive and reflective definition that addresses historical and cultural depth, rejects authoritarian interpretations of “respect” and reaffirms a commitment to community over profit. Diverse voices may be required, including academic experts in history, anthropology and global cultural studies. By revising its definition, INF-FNI has an opportunity to inspire freedom, dignity and harmony with nature—values that naturism has embodied for millennia as a philosophy of equality and liberation.
Quotes from INF-FNI:
“You cannot join the INF-FNI directly if there is a member federation in the country… But you can join any federation in any country.”
• Implication: This policy restricts individual access to the INF-FNI, effectively creating a monopoly for national federations within their respective countries. It places all responsibility for individual naturists’ representation on these federations, regardless of their performance or inclusivity. This setup can alienate naturists who feel their national federation does not adequately represent them or is unresponsive to their needs.
“It is not the INF-FNI’s job to communicate directly with individual naturists… We have been specifically forbidden by our member federation from communicating directly with their members.”
• Implication: This policy effectively severs the INF-FNI from its grassroots base, distancing it from the individuals who embody and practice naturism. It creates a lack of accountability for both INF-FNI and member federations. Naturists with concerns about their national federation have no direct recourse to higher levels of representation. It risks making INF-FNI appear bureaucratic and disconnected from the broader naturist community.
“The per-person fee paid by federations is for them to be members.”
• Implication: Member federations pay fees to INF-FNI based on declared-membership of natural persons, but neither basic data (number of natural-person members) nor use of funds are communicated to individual naturists. Possession of a “membership card” for INF-FNI is traditionally perceived as necessary ticket for entry to naturist campgrounds, despite that it means nothing other than payment of a small annual fee to an unaccountable network of legal entities.
Most “national” Federations of INF-FNI (perhaps 40 or so) appear dysfunctional or corrupt. Reforms might rebalance interests of federations with rights of individual naturists. Regular communication channels (e.g., newsletters, forums) with individual naturists could “respect” national federations’ autonomy. Some mechanism freely allowing natural persons to join INF-FNI directly (from anywhere in the world and not upon condition of payment of a discriminatory fee) is critical to reform. Such types of reform could be valuable where national federations are currently seen as ineffective, exclusive or unrepresentative.
Problem: Lack of Direct Accountability
INF-FNI claims no direct responsibility to individual (natural person) members, delegating all member-related concerns to national federations. This creates disconnect between individuals who fund the movement and an organisation that claims to represent them globally. With no published breakdown of how membership fees are allocated, individuals and federations have no way of assessing whether funds are being used effectively or appropriately. The absence of clear reporting on expenses (e.g., salaries, operational costs, advocacy efforts) raises questions about the organisation’s priorities. Individual naturists may join local associations and/or national federations, believing that their fees contribute to enhancing the global status of naturism. If this is not demonstrably the case, it could be seen as misleading.
INF-FNI could easily be operated by a small and insular group, potentially lacking broader representation or accountability to the global naturist community.
Member federations - who might exert control over INF-FNI’s governance - might not adequately reflect needs or voices of individual members.
Loss of Relevance: INF-FNI may have mutated into a bureaucratic entity, with minimal impact on the global naturist movement.
To Leaders of INF-FNI
As a naturist believing in values of transparency, inclusivity, and community, I am deeply concerned about the lack of direct accountability and transparency within INF-FNI. With significant annual revenue from membership fees, INF-FNI holds a unique responsibility to ensure these funds are used effectively to enhance the global reputation and standing of naturism.
However, the current structure, which distances INF-FNI from individual members and provides little visibility into its financial practices, risks eroding trust and undermining the very movement it seeks to support. I believe this calls for urgent reform to ensure that INF-FNI remains a credible and impactful force for naturism worldwide.
Naturism’s Future: Learning from Feminism
For decades, naturism has been defined narrowly by its commitment to non-sexual nudity, harmony with nature and principles of respect. Yet, as a global movement, naturism faces pressing challenges: outdated governance structures, a lack of inclusivity and a disconnect from its historical and cultural roots. By comparing naturism’s evolution to the journey of feminism, we can find a forest trail for revitalising the movement. Feminism’s success in adapting to modern challenges, embracing intersectionality and decentralising its structures offers valuable lessons for naturism. Here’s how:
1. Recognizing Naturism’s “Waves”:
Feminism is well understood to have evolved through multiple “waves”, each addressing specific societal issues:
• First Wave fought for legal rights like suffrage.
• Second Wave expanded to gender equality, reproductive rights, and societal norms.
• Third Wave introduced intersectionality, celebrating diversity and inclusivity.
• Fourth Wave brought digital activism and a focus on systemic oppression.
Naturism, too, has distinct phases:
• Early Naturism arose in the 19th century as a reaction to industrialisation, emphasising health, nature and the human body.
• Mid-20th Century Naturism became a structured movement, promoting communal nudity and nature-focused lifestyles.
• Modern Naturism (or what it could become) must now address global inclusion, colonial legacies, environmental justice and personal autonomy.
Acknowledging waves in ocean might help naturism embrace its historical depth and prepare for future.
2. Embracing Intersectionality
Intersectionality—feminism’s understanding that gender intersects with race, class, sexuality, and other identities—has transformed it into a more inclusive and globally relevant movement. Naturism can adopt a similar lens! For example:
Colonial Histories, Herstories and Theystories: Naturism often ignores indigenous traditions of non-sexual nudity disrupted by colonialism. By honouring these practices, naturism can expand its cultural relevance.
Patriarchal Structures: Naturism must confront how gender dynamics influence participation and leadership within the movement.
Economic Inequality: Naturism can examine how its spaces and memberships are often inaccessible to marginalised communities, reinforcing exclusivity.
Adopting intersectionality would allow naturism to engage with broader social, cultural and historical contexts, making the movement richer and more inclusive.
3. Decentralising Power
Whilst feminism thrives as a decentralised movement driven by grassroots activism, naturism remains tied to hierarchical structures like INF-FNI (International Naturist Federation). INF-FNI collects substantial annual fees—reportedly around €500,000—but communicates only with national federations, not individual naturists.
This lack of direct accountability creates:
• Alienation: Individual naturists feel disconnected from the global movement they fund.
• Power Imbalances: National federations act as gatekeepers, potentially stifling diverse voices.
Naturism can take inspiration from feminism’s decentralised model, empowering individuals and grassroots groups to lead the movement in their regions whilst fostering a global sense of community.
4. Expanding Definitions
Feminism has thrived by embracing diversity within its movement—liberal feminism, radical feminism, ecofeminism, intersectional feminism, and more. Naturism, by contrast, has clung to a narrow definition (cited as agreed in 1974, by a meeting at what has since become famous as ‘World’s Capital for Swingers” - Cap d’Agde):
| “Naturism means a way of life in harmony with nature, characterised by the practice of communal nudity with the intention of encouraging self-respect, respect for others, and for the environment.” |
This pathetic definition (more than 50 years old):
Ignores naturism’s roots as a universal human phenomenon practiced by indigenous peoples before colonial disruption.
Excludes diverse interpretations of naturism, such as urban naturism, spiritual naturism or ecological naturism.
Uses ambiguous terms like “respect for others” which can easily be misused to enforce deference to authority rather than fostering mutual understanding.
Naturism must adopt broader, inclusive definitions that reflect its historical depth, cultural diversity and philosophical potential.
5. Promoting Transparency and Accountability
INF-FNI lacks transparency in governance and financial practices. Individual naturists may believe their membership fees support global advocacy for naturism, yet INF-FNI provides little visibility into how funds are used. Feminism offers alternatives: grassroots-driven funding models and public accountability. INF-FNI may mainly survive by corporate sponsorship, not really consistent with its legal structure (a non-profit association in Austria). INF-FNI could introduce policies to enhance credibility, e.g:
Publish Annual Reports: Detailing how fees are used to support advocacy, events and emerging federations.
Engage with Members Directly: Creating digital platforms to connect individual naturists with INF-FNI and other global wankers.
Introduce Independent Oversight: Establishing advisory councils to ensure financial and organisational transparency.
Simultaneously and/or alternatively, INF-FNI could reach out to Athena’s International Outreach Network and forward-thinking feminist organisations.
6. Becoming a Movement of Ideas
Feminism is more than activism—it’s a philosophy that critiques power, challenges norms and envisions equality. Naturism has similar philosophical potential but often frames itself narrowly as a “lifestyle” or a “fun vacation activity”. Naturism can reclaim its role as a philosophical movement by addressing:
Environmental Justice: Advocating for harmony with nature as a counterpoint to AI overreach.
Bodily Freedom: Challenging societal taboos about nudity as tools of control.
Cultural Decolonisation: Celebrating naturism’s global diversity and rejecting Eurocentric narratives.
7. A Path Forward
To ensure naturism’s relevance in 21st century, the movement must:
Acknowledge waves of evolution (not just waves in the sea) and adapt to new challenges.
Embrace intersectionality, recognising diverse identities, histories and herstories of naturists worldwide.
Decentralise power to empower individuals and grassroots groups.
Redefine itself to include multiple interpretations of naturism.
Demand transparency and accountability from organisations such as INF-FNI.
Reclaim philosophical roots, aligning naturism with broader social and environmental movements.
Conclusion
Naturism, like feminism, is more than a movement—it’s a vision of how humans can live authentically, harmoniously and inclusively. By learning from feminism’s evolution, naturism can become a dynamic force that inspires people around the world to challenge societal norms, connect with nature and celebrate freedom. Let’s build a naturist movement that reflects our values, embraces diversity and leads boldly into the future.