ELONMATES*

A Philosophical and Satirical Inquiry into Matters Both Biologic and Speculative

*By an Anonymous Observer, with Humble Apologies to Those Who May Misunderstand

A Preliminary Declaration and an Humble Apology

Gentle Reader, before thou dost venture further into this pamphlet, allow me to address certain potential misconceptions, lest this small work be deemed as an impertinent affront to the sensibilities of any reader, be they lofty or lowly. It is hereby disclosed that the Author doth profess complete and utter ignorance as to whether one Mr. Elon Musk, that most singular and mercurial of modern-day luminaries, doth possess companions in the sense of what the common tongue calleth “mates”—a term implying camaraderie, friendship and congenial bonds. If this ignorance be found offensive or misconstrued as a slight, let the Author herein render an unreserved apology for any offense taken where none was intended.

Let it further be clarified that this treatise doth not concern itself with “mates” in the mundane sense of friendly associates, nor does it undertake to catalog or speculate upon the circle of confidants (if any) of the aforementioned Mr. Musk. Nay, this pamphlet doth instead turn its philosophical lens upon an altogether different species of "mateship": namely, the ancient and wondrous phenomenon by which the primordial lifeforms of this Earth mayhap discovered the means to perpetuate themselves through the act of mating.

On Procreation of Early Life: A Meditation

Consider, Dear Reader, the earliest moments of Life upon this Terrestrial Sphere, that time before the advent of rational thought, the printing press, or indeed the internet. In those antediluvian epochs, the Earth teemed not with thinking Men but with lowly and witless Creatures, such as the amoeba, the paramecium and other watery denizens of a prelapsarian state. How, I beseech thee, did these mindless beings contrive to perpetuate their kind? How, in the absence of reason or romance, did they establish the rudiments of what we now term "mating"?

Peradventure, the simplest among them, such as the amoeba, did screw all notions of partnership and merely cleaved themselves in twain, producing offspring as an artisan doth produce wares—by the sweat of their cytoplasmic brows and without the benefit of company. This process, whilst commendably efficient, doth lack the poetry of our modern notions of procreation.

But lo! By passage of millennia, Nature, in her infinite caprice, devised a more complex arrangement. It seemeth likely that at some indeterminate juncture, a certain creature of middling intelligence and boundless ambition did conceive of a novel stratagem: the merging of two into one, whereby the essence of one being might mingle with another, giving rise to offspring imbued with the strengths (and perchance the weaknesses) of both parents. What marvellous ingenuity! What reckless daring!

And yet, one must wonder—what prompted this leap from solitude to union? Did some primeval creature, weary of its solitary state, feel within its protoplasmic bosom a yearning for companionship? Or was it merely the cold arithmetic of survival that drove this innovation, as Nature herself doth favour those who adapt and flourish?

On Parallels to Modern Genius

It may be asked, why doth this Author undertake such a whimsical diversion upon so grave a subject? To which I answer thus: Is it not the wont of the curious mind to ponder the origins of all things? Indeed, doth not one such as Mr. Musk himself—entrepreneur, futurist, and self-proclaimed champion of free discourse—delight in the probing of primordial questions? Surely, this small essay is but a modest tribute to that spirit of inquiry which he doth profess to champion. Thus, Gentle Reader, we return to the matter at hand: elonmates.com doth not signify any known associates of Mr. Musk, nor doth it imply any particular observations about his private affairs. Rather, it serveth as a playful nod to the mysteries of reproduction, both biological and rhetorical. Let the reader take this pamphlet as it is offered: a jest, a speculation, and an homage to the unfathomable ingenuity of Life itself.

And so, with humble thanks for thy patience and thy good humour, I remain thy faithful servant.